Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Who am I? What am I doing?

My Dear Friends,

It has been two and a half months since my last post. This time has been a revelation to me again of the depth of my vulnerability and has brought me home to a semblance of humility about who I am and my nature in this world. To be human is to develop attachments, to desire and to cling to what is seen as safe and pleasant and to avoid what is seen as fearful or unsafe. I am no different. To change households after 17 years reveals the depth of these attachments, and confronts me with the inevitability of seeing each one. Some are old, and take the form of fears and manifestations of psychological anxiety forms. Some are new and show me my aging and my mortality, and my physical diminishment.

To place oneself in the process of moving, of selling one's home and buying another is to place the control and outcomes in the hands of others. As if I ever really had control over outcomes. Again I am reminded that I can only be with the River of human life, the best I can, and to make my self-offering such that I can be present and swim in the River of Divine Life as it flows through our own. There are moments when you can do nothing, nothing except, Breathe Yeshua. More than ever I know that to live my life is to Breathe Yeshua in this moment and the next, ceaselessly to offer the best of myself in loving kindness and to abide in His Presence ceaselessly, returning home again and again. Yeshua is My home.
With deep bows and ceaseless offering,
Bill Ryan